THE FAMS AGENDA:
A Manifesto For PapaDonkee, 2017 Democratic Candidate for the
Office of the Convener of The Troll Cabal.
Freedom | Accountability | Momentum | Security
Dear Trolls, it is morning again in Trolldom,
and I stand before you today a humble Troll, armed only with the vision of a
brighter future for all Trolls. A future in which every Troll is able to rise
as high as they please; one in which the make of a Troll’s smartphone is not a
measure of their awesomeness. A vision of the future in which a Troll who
tweets at a dwarf isn’t locked up in gaol or forced to watch Central African
music videos.
My Fellow Trolls, the last year has been hard
for all of us. Our current Convener did her best, but it’s hard to connect with
the aspirations of everyday Trolls if you live a life of bourgeoisie opulence
in faraway Kenya.
Her Trollcelency Irene did her best;
her heart was in the right place although her skills were severely limited. She
taught us about selfies, long hair and peng avatars, and for that I suspect a
few Troll are grateful. But I promise you this: If you elect me to be your
Convener I will make you, the Trolls, the focus of my administration from Day
One!
Enough about the past; my vision speaks to the
future. A future of previously unimaginable free DMs and opportunities. Today,
I will present to you my FAMS Agenda, the blueprint of how I intend, with your
support, to Make the #TrollCabal Great Again!
1.
FREEDOM
I will work to guarantee that every Troll
enjoys their right to freedom of speech and trolling. These rights are
enshrined in the Trollstitution drafted by our founding fathers @failedrift and
@feathersproject, and I promise to ensure that these rights are enjoyed by
Trolls everywhere. I will also promote and enforce the right to anonymity. The
freedom to express oneself also encompasses the freedom to choose to be
anonymous. Responsible trolling focuses on the message, and not the messenger.
Dear friends, I have grave news: the world is
running out of data! A scary prospect of a world without the internet looms,
created by a blackhole in America that is sucking up all the bandwidth in the
world. I will ensure that Trolldom and all its citizens are guaranteed data
access, and work out the modalities for sustainable trolling so we leave data
and twitter characters behind for our children and their children’s children.
2.
ACCOUNTABILITY
A situation where a Convener is above the law
is unacceptable to my democratic sensibilities. If elected into office, my
first act will be to pass a bill directing TrINEC to introduce a simple midterm
vote of confidence. If the Convener still holds the trust of the Trolls they
will continue in office, if they don’t then TrINEC must conduct fresh elections
within one week. I believe the Independence of TrINEC is crucial to our nascent
democracy. I do not believe our interests are best served by having an outgoing
Convener select the TrINEC Chairman. I promise to institutionalise reforms that
will make the process completely transparent, moving forward.
The burdens of office are enormous, but I
believe I can succeed with the help of a strong and committed team working with
me. I propose the creation of the Office of the Vice Convener, to help ensure
that no vacuum exists should a Convener become…erm… suddenly indisposed for any
strange or mysterious reason.
3.
MOMENTUM
We will establish partnerships with all
pro-Troll nations and organisations. I am currently in advanced discussions
with the Troll Leader of the Free World. He has kindly given us poetic licence
to use the Make the Troll Cabal Great Again hashtag (#MTCGA), which was a yuuge
deal. Our friends in Asia have been very supportive, even though they declined
my offer to set up Troll Cabal chapters in their countries. We will actively
encourage cross-border trolling as an innovative way of boosting our profile
and our FX reserves. We know our Jollof is better than Ghana’s; we are now
doing research into what other things we do better than our African and
International brother and sister Trolldoms.
On the local scene we have negotiated discount
deals with Shoprite, the National Suya Association, @grillandread and @TheReadClub
for all registered Trolls, and are in advanced negotiations with AMCON regarding
the recent takeover of Silverbird Cinemas.
The TrollCabal is a community of trolls, and
as such the Convener must create an environment for inclusive development that
captures all Troll demographics. My administration will be a socialist one, one
that ensures no Troll is left behind, for we are only as strong as the weakest
member of our community.
4.
SECURITY
The greatest danger threatening the peace of
our world is the terrorism of leaked nudes. To combat this clear and present
danger, I will pass DM privacy laws that ensure that the decency and privacy
rights of Trolls are protected. Defaulters will be quickly and publicly dealt
with. Global warming is real! If people stop sharing noods, our world will die;
I will therefore do everything within my power to ensure that DMs once again
become safe personal spaces. We are currently exploring an option with Twitter
to disable the screen-shot feature.
Finally, on a serious note, I would like to
state that trolling is very different from bullying. No one deserves to be
bullied online, and I will work online and offline to append my draft Combating
Cyber Bullying and Related Offences Cap. 1 Sec. 14 bill to the current useless CyberCrimes
Act which some former Trolls are using to threaten other well-intentioned
Trolls everywhere.
Remember that any Troll’s death or
diminished liberty diminishes us all, because we are all involved in Trollkind.
And therefore, dear Trolls, you won’t ever need to ask for whom this Troll trolls;
I will troll for thee.
Thank you, and God Bless the
TrollCabal.
